Unplanned Life

How do you make mistakes without being looked at as the outcast?

The happiest time of the year. Christmas lights twinkle around window frames, fresh green fir wreaths are tied with a red bow and hung outside, in the hopes of spreading cheer. You look for the perfect tree that will be carried in the front door and placed in the most idyllic

location in the family room. Those were not the thoughts or feelings that devoured me when I was staring at Robbie, in the resentment filled courtroom. As we exchanged glances across the cold court table, he was the first to sign on the dotted line, agreeing to the dissolution of our marriage. Having to utter the words and confirm to the judge that our once merry marriage was unrepairable. I do not remember much about the day of signing the papers. I recall we rode together, he made efforts to insert small jokes in the right places of the day, or engage in people watching like old times. But there were no jokes as both of our eyes filled with tears. We even struggled to look at each other in fear that a heart break would end us on the spot. We hopelessly let our eyes drift by each other through the empty space, to sign the papers that would end the life we planned. Little did I know, this would set in motion the rebirth of a woman holding the pen to her life, finally.

The day after, I woke up before my alarm sounded, letting my mind fall in and out as I traced each crack in my seventy-six year old ceiling. Thinking, “This is me, I am here, will I be okay? What happens next?”

As I reached for the phone, Kelly’s voice was already on the other end. Kelly my bosom buddy, keeping the balance to my unbalanced. She saw the storm coming much longer than I wanted to accept, that Robbie and I would not be together living a fake happy ever after. As I cried with Kelly over the life I thought I was supposed to live, I mourned for things I could not even begin to explain. Kelly sent her loving embrace through the phone across many state borders, as she always does.

To be honest I did not feel heartbreak, I only felt anger.

What do we do when life doesn't go as planned?

I struggled with the opinions and thoughts of everyone around me. What will they think? How will they view me? Poor Mary? I wonder what she did or what he did? These thoughts often raced through day dreams and nightmares.

I did not let a season pass, before I jumped in the deep end for self work.

life requirement moving forward: an extraordinary therapist

Growing up, therapy was looked at as a weakness or what “weirdos” do when they can’t “trust in Jesus”.

What a load of garbage. Let the record show, therapy gave me the right tools to deal with my grief, my anger that tends to burn hotter than most, and afforded me the opportunity to figure out, “Who am I, truly?”

I was searching for, “what now, and what is next”, since the vows did not work out as expected.

One day in a session, Dr. Hills shared a quote that gave me minor whiplash.

“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you.” - John Piper”

Sitting there on the light blue love sofa, surrounded by green plants and warm natural light I was floored. Legit, I think I just stared, mouth open. She was sharing something with the mention of “God”. I remember thinking to myself, “she knows how much discomfort saturates my bones around the topic of “religion”. Nonetheless, she read the quote out loud looking up to make sure I was engaged in the knowledge drop. At the close of the reading, she reached across her red oak coffee table, and placed a piece of college ruled paper with blue ink in front of me. As the minute finger approached six o’clock signaling the end of our session, she asked me to take part in a practice. She tasked me:

1. Read the quote without bias.

2. Think about Piper’s words.

3. Respond to it.

Dear Mr. Piper,

Okay, I am going to show my age in some of my references, please forgive me for not being trendy. But who am I kidding you are pushing eighty Pipes, computers are trendy to you.

Pinterest (or other outlets, Instagram or Facebook), such a unique idea that transformed how we filter through what we like or dislike. I mean come on, I can type in any phrase and have the pictures or DIY to match within seconds.

We categorize our lives onto boards that inspire us, or give us the dream or look we are going for. We can optimistically create a Pinterest board to design all the colors we want to paint in our nursery before we even have a ring on it. Then sometimes (in fact often, which is okay) we arrive at a gut kicking crossroad and think, “ Oh crap this wasn’t on my social media account or Pinterest board. ” How do we “grieve the losses'' or “feel the pain” as Piper so beautifully expresses? If you are waiting for me to reveal the answer, I hate to let you down so quickly in our friendship… I do not know the answer. I have stood with all of you, where things in life just do not work out. I have stood in the suck and endured the pain of loss. You choose love to be left, careers do not end up the way they appeared on paper, once more you fell short of your goal weight, or you're back at the doctor again trying to get pregnant. In life, we all have our own losses we grieve.

In my overview of life, feeling pain is important to know that we are truly living authentically. Knowing that authentic experiences exist and taking action to be part of that kind of life, puts us on the sign-up sheet for pain. As you enter the next day, or new season, pain is coming, but that is a sign you are fearlessly living.

This year I can honestly share with you, I encountered the deepest of grief, more than any year of my adult life.

Silver Lining: pursuing bravery, I believe, leads us to the joys of our heart.

As I run fast into a new season of love and friendship, I accept that failures and losses await me, my true desire is that we embrace the agony. Oh, giving into the agony which will lead us to wandering upon freedom. Freedom is the evidence we traveled through the pain.

We have the chance to be free.

I challenge you, my confidantes to be free today and in the season that awaits you. This week, I ask that you take part in a practice with me.

I task you: What losses do you need to grieve?

1. Write them down.

2. Think about them.

3. Respond to them.

Freedom is yours my friend, my confidante. Remember, life will not go the way you plan. You will fail, but that does not make you an outcast.

Sending you all my love, until next time.

-your confidante