Fill My Cup

“Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brené Brown

It did not happen all at once. Little-by-little I embraced a vulnerable side of my spirit, gave myself over to love and belonging, and came into a light like no other.

The mixer circled the base of the steel bowl, blending the second batch of chocolate chips along with melted butter and brown sugar. Meg and I stood in the middle of her first home where she brought home Oli, the little boy who kicked off my Aunt Sissy adventures. In the midst of cutting parchment paper and perfectly spacing cookies across a sheet, my phone rang displaying a 904 area code across the screen. The aroma of sugar baking filled the space as the voice on the other end exclaimed, “we have a 3 year old little boy”. Those are the last words I remember fully hearing before I responded with, “Yes, when is he coming?” A phone call that set into motion the next decade of my life. I sat in a dim-lit fellowship hall week after week through parenting and certification classes for foster care and was about to learn the truth in what they say. Nothing could prepare me for what was ahead. What came next was unguarded love.

The chapters that fill the pages of my life with Mateo, are unlike any other journey in my thirty-one years. Immediately I felt a calling to protect, nurture and provide for a sweet boy who arrived in my life wearing a tank top and carrying a trash bag suitcase. For me protecting him and ensuring his safety was not a risk. It is embedded into my soul, standing guard for the ones that can not stand for themselves. Even as a child, I put on my armor prior to it fitting properly in the hopes of never being off guard in the face of attachment.

Now together we lead into the greatest vulnerable part of me.

Hidden over a small bridge that connects Doctors Lake to the Saint Johns River lives a coffee shop, where everyone is familiar and the drink specials never really change unless it's Fall or Christmas time. Mateo and I just braved his first dentist appointment where several talks about bravery and a short read of Clifford The Big Red Dog Takes a Trip were required to exit the silver Camry. Forty-five minutes later our teeth were successfully cleaned, cheeks numbed and decay addressed. Finding the ideal secret coffee shop was a way to celebrate our victory in conquering the dentist, much like Clifford conquers obstacles in his books. Our turn, “almond vanilla latte” quickly left my lips in the hope that my readiness would be returned with the delivery of my much needed latte. Mateo swiftly interjected, “Momma I want one like you”. It was not that he wanted a coffee, or even that he wanted something to drink, I was Momma. What felt like light years, in reality seconds to the young hipsters punching in our order. She then looked up coolly recalling our order, “one chocolate coffee (milk) *wink wink* and one latte for . . . Momma.”

“Crack to the steel helmet”.

The truck was loaded with all the essentials for New Years in the Blue Ridge mountains. Mateo wanted to find snow, so for snow we went searching. Hikes weaving through the red maple and tulip poplar trees, mornings of chocolate coffees by the river, and nights watching our breath as the night sky was painted with stars. Mateo and I were in awe, as we struggled distinguishing where one star ended and the next began. Each night reading our book, reflecting about our day, and exchanging cheek kisses.

The air was filled with hopes that maybe tomorrow we would find snow. Late night tip-toeing like he so often did, through the light peeking in from only the small cabin windows Mateo called for me, “Momma, it’s okay no worries I will still love you even if we cannot find snow.” The small boy’s hands that fit perfectly along my cheeks as he tells me about his good days at school. The little soul that never misses his night time hug and goodnight AND sweet dreams, the tiny heart that gets a running start to give me high fives, loves me.

“Crack to the steel breastplate, it’s falling off”.

Establishing myself as a Momma forced me to take a glimpse into ugly parts of who I had grown to be. Making space in my inner circle or in simple terms “my heart”, my armor began to crack which loudly showed my vulnerability. Facing the mirror of life I noticed I was quick to anger, but over time self work led me to a path of compassion. Think of this notion, something in life calls us all. We all have a time to respond to fears or “darkness”. We all have things that keep us from experiencing real growth, or in my case the seasons with a tiny human that filled my cup which endlessly runs over. Seasons upon seasons have passed and Mateo now lays his head on a pillow in his forever family’s home, but his passage through my existence led me to a light that continues to burn and motivates me to chip away at what guards me. That passage guided me to a place where I am actually living.

My confidantes, sometimes if we could just get out of our own way, we have the privilege to experience love, belonging and joy, and how Brené says, “it will lead us to infinite light.”

Are you willing to crack your armor?

What are the things in your life you are not willing to risk for the comfort of your heart?

Embracing our vulnerabilities is OUR CALL to action. Are you ready and willing to experience the uncomfortable seasons of life that will lead you to your true light? I challenge you to find something that fills your cup for now or possibly forever. If we stay in the same mindset and place in life, who is going to lead a wave of change in this world? I plead with you my friend, do not miss out on your call to action in your journey. What trip awaits your passport, what book is waiting for you to LITERALLY pick up the damn pen, what business plan awaits the risk, and please just go ahead and kiss the girl! Whether it be major or minuscule, I challenge you my dearest confidantes run fast into the fear and go find the light and the serendipity of love, belonging, and joy. What are you waiting for?

“Crack, smash, the armor shatters to the floor”

Sending all my love, until next time.

-your confidante